Final Words?

I've had a lot of time lately to think about last words. 
What were the last words you spoke to someone? 
Were they in anger, or in love?
Were they something that you can look back on without regret?
And what were the last words you heard from someone?
What do those words say about you and your relationship with that person?
What do those words say about your character?
If they were written down, recorded, somewhere, would they be something that you could be proud of?
Heavy thoughts for a Saturday, I suppose, but you never know when those last words will come.
Perhaps we should all be just a little more mindful of what we say before we say it.
Some words can never be taken back, and some words will never be forgotten.

No good-byes

The day of my first wedding anniversary came and went, thankfully, without incident. It was a little rough at a few moments throughout the day, but overall, it really wasn't as bad as a I was expecting. Maybe it was because I kept myself busy. Maybe it as because everyone else was a little too distracted to even remember what day it was. 
Whatever the reason, I made it through the day without shedding buckets of tears of railing at the walls of my apartment. I lived a normal day, did normal things, thought normal thoughts. They were just the thoughts of someone who was living another life than she had vowed to be living the year before on that very day.
It's amazing, isn't it, how much life can change in the blink of an eye? 
It's almost incomprehensible.
Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing. And sometimes, we don't know the difference until years later when we can look back and realize just how many other parts of our lived were effected by that blink-of-an-eye change.
So now, it's three days later, and life has again taken another turn. 
I still haven't even begun to write that obituary for my grandmother. Not that I didn't fully intend to fulfill that request when the time came. 
But things are looking much better, and the grandmother I am so unprepared to see leave this world is slowly improving, and we're all praying that she holds on awhile longer.
And not just holds on, but recovers. She might not ever be the Grammie I grew up with, but if she gets some of that life back, some of that...wonderful spirit that makes her Ricki, then I'll be happy. 
There are still things I need to learn from her––silly little songs whose tunes and lyrics I only partially know. Strange little stories that she hasn't passed along yet. Recipes she hasn't scribbled down.
Memoreis she hasn't made yet.
I'm grateful she's coming coming back. The world isn't ready to say good-bye, and neither am I.

Stronger

It’s April 18.

What should have been my first wedding anniversary is in three days.

At this time last year, I never imagined I’d be a widow. I never imagined that I’d be having to figure out how to write an obituary for my grandmother. I never imagined a lot of things, I guess. 

Not all of it has been bad, though.

My faith has grown a lot in the last year. My relationship with my family has strengthened. I think God has shown me a lot of things and taught me a lot of things. There’s mercy and healing, even when there’s pain.

As I wait for the next few days to pass, I can only hope that this will be a new year of hope and peace. That things will change for the better and that new life will be gained. I’m turning 30 this year, and I want it to be a time of celebration. I want this to be a year I can look back on proudly and think, “Things haven’t been easy, but God kept me strong.”

Pictures of You

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much memories impact your life, your identity...even your sense of worth. When you share memories with people, you have a feeling of connectedness. You have have a sense of not being alone. But what happens when the people who share your memories and your history start to disappear, when your circle dwindles and you're left with only your own memories and stacks of photographs and mementos to prove that your history was, in fact, more than simply a conjured dream? 
Family holds such a rich history, a complicated tapestry of stories and memories and dreams. And with each day that passes, we lose more and more of those moments. Memories fade, people grow old and die. And we look back on our time together and wish we'd had more, that we'd realized how much the loss would hurt, how up-ending it would be to our own identities to suddenly know that we are now the sole possessor of a memory, a sequence of events, a shared history. We are now the only holder of that moment, of that snapshot, that feeling. 
The realization makes me want to capture my family forever in a bottle, to preserve their voices and faces and stories. There are so many things that, while I know these people, I don't know everything. and some things I will never know. So many stories that I haven't heard from my grandparents and my parents. So many questions I want to ask, so many questions I haven't thought to ask. I want to know everything. I want to hold it in my hands and look at it and turn it over and over in my fingers and know what makes them the people that they are. I want to know so that I will know more of what makes me who I am, to know where I come from. I want to hear the stories and understand their hurts and joys, their dreams and their sorrows. I want to see time through their eyes and pass it on so that our family is not lost, so that their eventual passing will not mean the disappearance of the memory. 
Take the chance. Ask the question. Sit down and learn who they are, and then maybe you'll know a little more about who you are. 
    

Color Your World

We get so frazzled in our hectic, hurry-scurry lives that sometimes the only way to figure out where we are in the year is by the profusion of colors that seems to explode...not, as one might expect, in the garden, but in the stores. Pink begins its blushing creep out of the confines of the Barbie aisle to flush the center of the stores, insinuating itself onto everything from cupcakes to socks. It’s a colorful reminder that February is upon us, that love is in the air, and that spring is just around. It’s a lip-sticked kiss good-bye to the frigidity of winter. It’s a yearly prompt to stop and realize that the well-being of our hearts––both physical and emotional––is important. Cupid’s arrow arcs through the air to hit its intended target, a pointy reminder of Heart Health Awareness Month. 

As pink deepens first to red and then to purple, Mardi Gras ushers in the perfect antithesis to innocent and romantic love. Raucous festivities seem to give license to eschewing inhibitions and letting it all hang out for a few days before becoming repentant. Royal, vibrant colors harken those days of debauchery, a direct contrast to the pastels of Easter and the reminder that life is beginning anew, with the advent of spring and the bloom of fresh blossoms...and fresh clover. Four-leaf clover, if you’re lucky. And lucky is exactly what every good Irish lad or lassie (or those who’ve simply been given a one-day pass) hopes to be on St. Patrick’s Day, when green suddenly becomes the new black, and all things Irish are celebrated with gusto. 

Color is extremely influential in our lives. It drives emotions and impacts decisions. Recent studies have even linked it to eating habits, finding that using blue plates can suppress the appetite. Strange, perhaps, but interesting. 

So what colors drive you? What colors make you feel happy? What colors make you feel sad? What colors energize or soothe you? In the coming months of this new year, examine your own personal color wheel. Let colors remind you of things––most importantly, the things that matter. The people you love with that bright red heart. The luck and blessings you’ve been given in that great green field of your life. Take time to appreciate, rather than resent, the colors that explode from the aisles at the store. Go ahead...Buy a box of crayons and take a peek inside. Each one of those perfect, brand-spanking-new colors is full of possibility...and so is your life. After all, it’s never too late to live life in color. 

The Last Word...

I don't know about anyone else out there, but I won't be at all sad to bid adieu to 2012. It's been a year of epic highs and lows, with so many major events that I feel as though I've lived an entire lifetime in the space of one year.
It's amazing what can happen in twelve months, isn't it?
On my personal list, I went from engaged to married to widowed. I moved out of my parents' house into a home with my new husband and am closing out the year by signing on the dotted line to lease a one-bedroom apartment where I'll be living alone.
It's been strange and surreal, and I know I'm not alone in feeling that way.
It was an election year. The Eastern seaboard was ravaged by Hurricane Sandy. A tragic shooting took the lives of schoolchildren in Colorado. And those are just a few of major events that I can recall right off the top of my head. 
One happy thing that 2012 will have left me with, however, is something that is invaluable: fresh perspective. And I can't wait to start 2013 with that new outlook, that new appreciation for things.
A sweet gift for a high price, perhaps, but one I will definitely hold on to.

With all that's gone on in life over the past twelve months, my faith has grown and deepened, and sometimes it's been the only thing that's gotten me through. Which makes finding great, faith affirming books all the more important and enlightening. Here are just a few I've had the pleasure of discovering....


In his book, Wrecked: When a Broken World Slams into Your Comfortable Life (Moody Publishers) Goins, a writer and blogger, defines being “wrecked” as an experience––a time when a broken world slams into our comfortable lives and what remains is a tension between a lifetime of adventure and our daily commitments. Wrecked centers on stories of ordinary people doing incredible things to be transformed from the inside out, and Goins explains that being wrecked can take place at any time, at any place. Goins touches upon other elements of being "wrecked," including understanding commitment issues, getting attached to feeling good while helping others, learning to know when to walk away, and helping others getting wrecked. The book is both powerful and relatable in its narrative, and Goins is a great story-teller, taking readers along with him as he explores what it truly means to allow your life to be "wrecked" for God's purposes.

Wives who choose to follow Ephesians 5:33 ("and the wife shall respect her husband") make a dramatic impact on their marriages. But many married women struggle with the concept of respecting their husbands. What does respect actually look like? Why should wives respect their husbands? Shouldn‘t husbands have to earn the respect of their wives? The Respect Dare by Nina Roesner is a 40-day challenge that makes the whole concept a little less confusing. Readers are given a series of dares that offer a more intimate connection to both their husbands and to God, and the book is filled with stories of struggle and success paired with practical applications of respect that have dramatically impacted marriages. The book is especially relevant in today's culture, when men and women's roles have become so undefined and have strayed so far from God's original intent for marriage.

 Dear Deb: A Woman with Cancer, a Friend with Secrets, and the Letters That Became Their Miracle. Follow Margaret Terry as she shares stories that represent a full lifetime of miracles, stories that changed the writer as she wrote them and stories that will touch the heart of the reader, one by one by one. These stories are not just stories. Instead, Dear Deb is a collection of letters about living to a dying friend, a search for love and how it’s found in the most surprising places. A book of short stories about past secrets, and the hopes and dreams of a messy, imperfect life. A memoir via email.   

Take a Whiff

Take a peek at any of the magazines on the rack right now, and they're all full of gift guides to help you out with your Christmas shopping. Chances are, one of the things they highly recommend is some kind of smelly something, like a nice new fragrance for your significant other. In fact, research shows that perfume and cologne sales enjoy a huge spike during the holiday season, when people in high buying gear. It got me thinking...smells are important.
Smells have strong emotions and memories and associations attached.
Smells are, in a way, the Rorschach test of the nose.
Think about it. 
You encounter a smell, and you're instantly transported to another time, another place, another feeling.
What comes to mind when you smell cookies baking?
What do you feel when you smell your mother's perfume?
What do you remember when you smell baby powder?
Sometimes, its just a flash of thought that we don't even register. A memory will slip in and out without us even pausing to savor it, to look at it and feel something.
And we should.
After all, who we are is shaped by our pasts, our memories.
So take a deep breath and smell something.
It doesn't necessarily have to be roses.