Making the Grade

It's funny how much focus lately I've been giving to weather conditions––both the literal and the metaphorical kind. It's just proven to be such an apt comparison, in light of how I've been feeling. I'm hoping that changes soon, especially since most days of kate have been rainy and gloomy. I don't want to be the gloomy chick. I want people to think of me as sparkling, engaging. Fun to be around and uplifting. I want people to feel like I've blessed the moments of the day that have been shared by my company. 
I don't ever want anyone to end time spent with me to wish that they had stayed away; to think that their day had been wasted. To regret meeting me. I hope that I'm doing that. That I'm shining light into people's day––even if it's only for a few moments. 
I want to be the best me I can be, and for others to think that that me is pretty great.
I know that some people would probably tell me that I care to much about other people's opinions, that I should just be who I am and disregard what other people's reactions. 
But I do care. 
I've always cared, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
I'm a perfectionist when it comes to myself and how other perceive me. Of whether I'm living up to expectations––whether mine or someone else's, real or imagined. 
I want to get higher than an A, and most of the time, I don't feel like I fall anywhere in the realm of an A. Not even an A minus, if I'm going to be completely honest. 
More like a D.
Whether that's where I actually fall is up for debate, I suppose. But at this point in the game, that really is how I feel. Which doesn't exactly bode well for not hitting the gloominess of my internal weather pattern. Actually, it generally only exacerbates the problem. 
But what can you do, when you're feeling like your grades are falling? The simple answer, I suppose would be to study. To learn your weak points and find out what you're missing. To strengthen your foundation.
I'm sensing a call to the pages of the Bible. A reconnection to my knowledge base. A plug in to my power-source. I think I let myself go too long sometimes, without taking the time to dig in and meditate on the Word. I'll read it to cross it off my list of Things to Do. One more accomplishment to my day. But I don't often enough take the time to truly reflect on what I'm reading and studying. 
It may be a common problem, but it's not one I'm proud of. Especially in times when I'm called to be an ambassador, an example. A light. And my lack of knowledge leaves me less than prepared to make the A I so desperately want, and I'm left feeling like a D has been marked at the top of my test.
Again, I'm being metaphorical here in all of this. God doesn't give out grades like a teacher in school. He only wants our best––whatever that might be.
But I want to be able to give that best and know that it really is my best. 
I want to feel like I'm making the grade.